A stale and stagnant pond

That’s my life at the moment.  I am drifting in a way that drinkers and ex-drinkers will be entirely familiar with.  The St Augustine road to recovery: ‘Make me sober.  But not just yet.’  I need to buy better quality wine then there will be a glass worth savouring as my last one.  But I can’t even give myself that.

So, in the interests of stirring the brackish water that represents my life at the moment I have embarked on the shopping cure.  This is an alternate version of the geographic cure.  I cannot move but I can order online and that will cure me.  Thus, this morning I have

  • booked an appointment to have running shoes fitted.  I have observed the tendency of sober superstars to take up running.  Therefore if I take up running I too will become sober.  My current trainers are ill-fitting and it would be foolish to risk jeopardising my running cure by not purchasing better ones.  Oh, and a fancy running top from Sweaty Betty using, in advance the money I will save on (not very fancy) wine.
  • booked myself onto a beginners yoga course.  Sober superstars do this too, therefore the same logic applies to yoga as to running.  Plus everyone knows that people who do yoga are enlightened beings who can transcend the body’s urges and cravings.  To celebrate my new found nirvana I also rescued a spider from the cleaner who looked like she was going to hoover it up. 
  • purchased a meditation audiobook thingy from iTunes and a book on Mindful Addiction Recovery from Amazon.  I just need to get control of that one split second in which the lizard brain over rules the front brain and says yes to a glass of (not very fancy) wine.
  • printed out the two inch heap of chaotic paper that I call my novel, bought several writing books on Amazon and committed (in my newly enlightened, mindful way) to working on the damn thing daily and not sporadically.
  • Bought more yarn with which to knit wildly over ambitious projects on the grounds that alcohol and knitting are mutually exclusive pursuits and if I have luscious yarn to knit with I will choose it over the (not very fancy) wine in the evenings
  • booked myself onto an Allen Carr Easyway to stop drinking seminar.  Yes, this one at least looks vaguely relevant to the the problem at hand.  It isn’t for a while and I have no idea how I will sneak away from my minders (children and gf) for a whole day to attend but I took the plunge and booked it on the basis that having committed to it I would find a way to make it happen.

I did an Allen Carr some years ago and it worked like a dream.  Sixteen easy blissful months.  Which I blew at a wedding where I knew no one and felt awkward and thought that alcohol would help me feel better.  It did not.  And I can honestly say that that decision was one of the worst I have ever made in my life.

Anyway, on a less facetious note than the above, I need to do something.  I have a list of AA meetings printed out that I could get to on every day of the week but I just physically can’t do it.  I know that the best thing I could do is to confide in gf that I have a problem and ask for her support.  But I can’t do that either.  I cannot let go of the need to pretend that I am fine and that I can crack this alone.  I both know that this is madness and also that I can’t change it.  So, I remain trapped in my pond.  But I am trying to make the water a little healthier.

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4 Responses to A stale and stagnant pond

  1. primrosep says:

    Goodness, you have been busy with the shopping! Lovely to read you again.
    It was a huge discovery for me that I could get sober without my partner’s support. When I stopped looking for it from him and decided to look for it elsewhere (sober blogs, reading sober books) I made a massive leap forward. I looked for support from people who were able to give it to me. People who had experience of the condition and maps of how to get out. It also made domestic life easier 😉 That seminar sounds great, particularly if it worked for you before.
    Oh, and don’t knock the pond – didn’t all life evolve from the primeval slime? Good luck on your evolution!

  2. FitFatFood says:

    Can I be honest?

    I recognise so much of my own attempts to look for external cures to drinking in your shopping list. None of it worked.

    I was already a runner, and ran consistently when drinking, so thought I’d sign up to a triathlon with swimming lessons at 6:30am so I wouldn’t be able to drink the night before. Guess what? I drank the night before and called in sick to my lessons (I feel pathetic when I write that) or missed them and lost the mone.

    Then I thought and international marathon would solve my drinking, then yoga, then self help books. None of it did.

    I went to an AA meeting last week where someone described the exact experience above. They had tried EVERYTHING to stop drinking apart from actually stopping. They said “I was trying to cure everything else but my drinking, and it was only when I cured my drinking first that I could address the other emotional maladies I had.”

    Whenever you are ready to go to an AA meeting, I’m here waiting to take you to one. I’ve been to lots in the last month or so and have never felt more at home or more welcome, which is the exact opposite of how I expected to feel.

    You know I’ve really struggled, and the one thing that’s helped me is AA, but I appreciate it’s not for everyone.

    Please don’t be too hard on yourself, I hear it coming through your posts. A huge virtual hug from me. I’ve been where you are and am in such a better place now. Come join me, I’ll help you 🙂

    If you want to contact me, just email me at any time (my fitfatfood email is on my blog profile I think x x x)

    • Thank you. I’m trying to joke and I’m trying to be serious and yes, I’m lost and adrift. I sort of don’t trust myself to reach out at the moment – I feel I would be inclined to give you a wink and suggest we go to the pub instead and I don’t wish myself on anyone at the moment. But I am touched. Really touched. I think you will hear from me. Hugs back. And congratulations.

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