That’s my life at the moment. I am drifting in a way that drinkers and ex-drinkers will be entirely familiar with. The St Augustine road to recovery: ‘Make me sober. But not just yet.’ I need to buy better quality wine then there will be a glass worth savouring as my last one. But I can’t even give myself that.
So, in the interests of stirring the brackish water that represents my life at the moment I have embarked on the shopping cure. This is an alternate version of the geographic cure. I cannot move but I can order online and that will cure me. Thus, this morning I have
- booked an appointment to have running shoes fitted. I have observed the tendency of sober superstars to take up running. Therefore if I take up running I too will become sober. My current trainers are ill-fitting and it would be foolish to risk jeopardising my running cure by not purchasing better ones. Oh, and a fancy running top from Sweaty Betty using, in advance the money I will save on (not very fancy) wine.
- booked myself onto a beginners yoga course. Sober superstars do this too, therefore the same logic applies to yoga as to running. Plus everyone knows that people who do yoga are enlightened beings who can transcend the body’s urges and cravings. To celebrate my new found nirvana I also rescued a spider from the cleaner who looked like she was going to hoover it up.
- purchased a meditation audiobook thingy from iTunes and a book on Mindful Addiction Recovery from Amazon. I just need to get control of that one split second in which the lizard brain over rules the front brain and says yes to a glass of (not very fancy) wine.
- printed out the two inch heap of chaotic paper that I call my novel, bought several writing books on Amazon and committed (in my newly enlightened, mindful way) to working on the damn thing daily and not sporadically.
- Bought more yarn with which to knit wildly over ambitious projects on the grounds that alcohol and knitting are mutually exclusive pursuits and if I have luscious yarn to knit with I will choose it over the (not very fancy) wine in the evenings
- booked myself onto an Allen Carr Easyway to stop drinking seminar. Yes, this one at least looks vaguely relevant to the the problem at hand. It isn’t for a while and I have no idea how I will sneak away from my minders (children and gf) for a whole day to attend but I took the plunge and booked it on the basis that having committed to it I would find a way to make it happen.
I did an Allen Carr some years ago and it worked like a dream. Sixteen easy blissful months. Which I blew at a wedding where I knew no one and felt awkward and thought that alcohol would help me feel better. It did not. And I can honestly say that that decision was one of the worst I have ever made in my life.
Anyway, on a less facetious note than the above, I need to do something. I have a list of AA meetings printed out that I could get to on every day of the week but I just physically can’t do it. I know that the best thing I could do is to confide in gf that I have a problem and ask for her support. But I can’t do that either. I cannot let go of the need to pretend that I am fine and that I can crack this alone. I both know that this is madness and also that I can’t change it. So, I remain trapped in my pond. But I am trying to make the water a little healthier.