Grateful

I read my sober blogs every day but feel so sated with peacefulness that I seem to have nothing of my own to share and don’t bother to check comments here.  Thank you all for your kind words on my reaching ninety days.  Miraculously, today is day 121.  There is no happiness in the world that I know of that equals this inner joy of sobriety.

It was gay pride in London yesterday and GF and I went with friends to a couple of parties in the evening.  In the Olden Dayes I would have got drunk (it’s a free pass – everyone was drinking) and woken this morning shamed and withdrawn.  I looked at the bottles and I thought what it would be like to have the release of being drunk.  But I also knew that sobriety has ruined drinking for me forever.  I couldn’t drink without the bitter awareness of what I was throwing away.  I couldn’t go back to drinking and enjoying it.  Picking up a glass of wine would now be an act of self mutilation and hatred.  

So I woke in the sunlight this morning with lightness of spirit.  I have baked a cake for my writers’ group summer lunch tomorrow; I am going to a yoga class later this afternoon and in-between I will immerse myself in the latest Knausgaard and fantasise about learning Norwegian so I can snuffle up the rest of the series without having to wait for the English translations.

All of this would have been nothing but a pipe dream, a wasted day, more poisoned water into the well of self loathing, had I woken with a hangover this morning.  Grateful today to be alive and to have a life.

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2 Responses to Grateful

  1. cassieCassie says:

    You sound so peaceful and well, zen! I am hoping I get there too.

  2. jukeboxdury says:

    This post has brought tears to my eyes. I am rather consumed with self loathing about my drinking but really unsure if I can do what needs to be done. I recognise your glow from times of sobriety and am so happy for you. Btw, I was attracted by the blog name- Kate Bush reference?!
    Look forward to hearing more from you here, and well done.

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