Still here; still sober; still happy

Still counting days (137) and marvelling at the slow accumulation of time and life. Slow in a good way. Slow in a ‘savouring’ and worthwhile way.

At a dinner party last week I had comfortably declined the wine that was going round since I was driving. Later the hostess, a newish but congenial friend, said with almost pity in her voice ‘surely you can have a glass’ and I heard how, in the past, that phrase, that tone, would have been an reiteration of my thoughts. Again, I declined, but I did so with pleasure. I was happy. Participating in conversation fully; actually listening, not getting silly or loud; being present to enjoy the moment, the food, the company and not ‘enjoying’ it simply on the basis that it was a licence to drink.

And it came to me in a flash (we did indeed have thunder, lightning and a rainbow, but this was a personal flash) that I am happier sober than I ever was drinking and that whilst there are occasional pangs, there is really no attraction anymore. I know that what I have is precious and a gift and that I must nurture and protect it.

And then at the weekend I took my teens to a music festival and walked among some of the most drunk people I have ever seen and felt alarmed and horrified at what it did to them and their behaviour. Bestial and de-humanised. Vulnerable or aggressive. Reckless and foolish. Were they having more fun than I was? Well, life’s not a competition but I know that when I looked at them I was experiencing heartfelt gratitude at being sober me and not drunk them and later, trying to find a comfortable position for my aching bones on a tiny camp bed (camping and festivals are truly a young person’s game) I thanked whatever power it is in the universe that has brought me to day 130 plus and vowed that I am never, never going back to that dark place of self destruction.

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5 Responses to Still here; still sober; still happy

  1. Great to read this x

  2. SoberLily says:

    Thank you for your post. I am on day 3 of no drinking, and although I’m excited in some ways about a drink-free future, I also still have those nagging fears of life not being as fun or me not being as fun to be around without drinks. Reading about your experience at the music festival and dinner party are great reminders that I’ll actually have more fun and be more fun to be around. I want to be the person at the dinner party who, as you summed up so well, is “present to enjoy the moment, the food, the company and not ‘enjoying’ it simply on the basis that it was a licence to drink.” Looking back, I’m kind of shocked to realize how much I have that mentality sometimes: that I’m “enjoying” an event because it’s a license to drink, and I think so many other people do that too. I’m done with that.

  3. momma bee says:

    what a great post~ hope you are doing well and having a great summer!

  4. ainsobriety says:

    I love this. I feel the same way. Relieved, grateful and like I figured out something others haven’t. Life is better sober.

  5. xx566819xx says:

    Hey hey, I love your blog – very thoughtful and relatable. I’ve just started and am fairly new to this – if you have a moment, please check it out. xx

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